good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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