Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You were trust falling into bushes
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
