You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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