Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
