I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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