Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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