So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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