Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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