I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
