got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
