I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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