All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
