i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
