Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
