Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
