Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
