No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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