im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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