Your tits are I can't wait for
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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