she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
