hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
