You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
