you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
