Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
