Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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