Your mouth is God's brothel.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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