if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
