epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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