so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
