So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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