Have you finally orgasmed yet?
What a fucking waste of an outfit
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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