Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
