i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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