My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
