Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
