a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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