I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
the day after is always just damage control
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
