I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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