you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
