Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I smell stomach acid.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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