I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
