When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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