I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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