I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
