just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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