Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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