My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
