im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
