So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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