I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
