i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
