I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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