I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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